Managing Conflict
Conflict
Conflict is part of life. Everyday conflicts can escalate into violence,
if people
don’t learn to solve them peacefully. To do so, people must look
at themselves, be
willing to listen and learn and be ready to try different ways of communicating.
Realize that no one is born knowing how to best resolve conflict or
how to talk
and listen to every person he or she may encounter. However, you can
learn to better
resolve conflict and to clearly communicate.
How Do You Handle Conflict?
What’s your style of
dealing with conflict? Most people learn how to handle
conflict and how to communicate by the example of their own families.
Check the list
below to identify your conflict style.
1. Avoidance:
Most people think
conflict is bad, so they try to avoid it. This can appear in two ways:
A) denial - if you deny conflict exists, you actually may be very
angry. Since you can’t express that, you bury your feelings, which
leads to frustration and more anger.
B) accommodation - if you feel that agreeing is easier than
disagreeing, you may find yourself smoothing over a potential
conflict. You may apologize, find reasons to justify the difference of
opinion, or change your own opinion, desire, or behavior to match
those of the other people. This actually can work if it’s a one-time
incident of small importance.
If you accommodate often, resentment may build, leading to
serious and disruptive conflicts
2. Confrontation:
Some prefer to avoid
conflicts; other like to meet it directly.
If you view conflict as a “win-lose” situation, you may try
to win a conflict to
prove you’re right. You’re likely to state your opinions and flat-out
disagree with the other person. You may try to blame or even use insult
or threats to make a point. This style usually doesn’t work well. It
can
quickly lead to a serious struggle, even becoming a long-term conflict.
3. Problem Solving:
If you
view conflict as a natural part of relationships –
rather than a win-lose situation or as a disruption to be smoothed
over -
you may use a problem-solving style of dealing with conflict. You’re
less
concerned with who’s right or wrong and more concerned with finding a
solution to satisfy those involved. You may use one or both of the
problem-solving methods below.
A) compromise - if you choose to compromise, you assume that to
resolve a conflict, each person involved must give up something.
In effect, each person “wins” and “loses.” Each person
keeps
those issues most important to him or her and gives up those of
lesser importance.
B) collaboration - Instead of assuming that you must give up
something, you and the other person can explore together what
you both need and find a mutual solution.
How Do You Communicate?
The root cause of many conflicts is poor communication. One person
misinterprets what another person said, takes offense, starts an argument
- and
violence may result.
As a speaker, you should make yourself clear. As a listener, you should
make
sure you understand what you think you hear. This can be difficult because
your
values, perceptions and assumptions influence communication.
Values: what you believe is right - defines who you are. Values shape
your
decisions and the course of your life.
Perceptions: your viewpoints in response to a situation are shaped
by your
values, previous experiences, culture, and expectations.
Assumptions: a statement or judgement that is accepted as true without
proof or
demonstration - developed from your values and perceptions.
Communication Style
Communication can be disrupted by subtle differences in style, such
as how
close you stand to another person while talking, the tone and loudness
of your voice,
and the words you choose. Remember that how you say something and the
nonverbal
cues you give have as much effect on the listener as what you say.
A Resolution Process
Sometimes, listening and communication techniques alone are not enough
to
resolve a conflict. But for more complicated issues, plan the conflict
resolution process
using the steps below.
Before you meet:
• 
Identify the issues
at stake in the conflict.
• Separate the real interest from your stance.
• Choose a peaceful, neutral environment to talk that is free of interruptions.
Give yourself enough time to discuss the problem and reach a solution.
Make sure the time is convenient to both of you.
During the meeting:
• Set the tone by stating
your intentions and acknowledge the other
person’s help.
• Define and discuss the problem. Both of you must agree on the problem
to find a solution. Don’t interrupt.
• Summarize progress. At each step, re-state and confirm, for instance,
that you agree on what the problem is.
• Explore solutions. Put all solutions on the table and discuss the pros
and
cons of each, including future consequences. Choose a solution
acceptable to both parties, specifically stating what each person will do
and how and when it will be done.
• Set a follow-up time. Agree to check with each other in the near future
to
see if the solution is working and to raise any unexpected problems.
Send Clear Messages
Half of the communication process is listening actively, but the other half
is
communicating clearly. When you express yourself, you can set the tone and
keep a
conflict from escalating by using the right language.
• Avoid “you
- messages.” In
anger, its easy to blame or accuse people. Stay away from “you,
you, you...”
• Use “I - messages”.
For a productive conversation, identify how you feel and describe this without
blame or accusations.