Anger
Management / Domestic Violence
Family Problems
“We keep fighting
about the same things....”
“He never listens to me...”
“If only our parents would stay out of this...”
“She drinks
too much....”
“The kids
are getting into a lot of trouble...”
At some point in
our lives, many of us will face some sort of family problem.
Most of the day-to-day stressors are manageable if the family is basically
stable and if
problems are not allowed to build up over time. Often-times, however, people
are
unable to resolve issues without help from a professional counselor.
My Problems
Are Like Anyone Else’s. Why Should I Consult A Professional?
Often little problems
are left to linger until they become big problems. Problems
that are not soon addressed begin to slowly eat away at the fabric that holds
a family
together. After a while, persons drift apart or abruptly end a relationship.
By learning to
deal with problems early on, many relationships can become healthy and remain
so.
Are you answering “Yes” to
any of the following questions?
Answer Yes or No
to the following items:
| • |
Do
you ever get physically violent with your children? |
| • |
Do you often “put
down” your spouse or children by calling them names, telling
them they’re “no good”, etc? |
| • |
Are you making
your children suffer because of bad feelings between you and an
ex-spouse? |
| • |
Do you use your
children to play power games with an ex-spouse? |
| • |
Do you just “expect” your
spouse or your children to know
what you want and how you feel? |
| • |
Do you allow
your parents or in-laws to decide what is best for you and your
family? |
| • |
Do you allow
your spouse to decide what is best for you? |
| • |
Does a significant
other drink too much or use illegal drugs? |
| • |
Do you feel
different, inadequate, or rejected by your family? |
| • |
Do you suffer
from physical ailments (neck ache, backache, headache, ulcers,
or other stomach problems) because of family stress? |
| • |
Have you ever
resigned to physical, verbal, emotional, or sexual abuse because
you have nowhere to go or because you think you deserve it? |
| • |
Do you have
a chronic sleeping problem? |
| • |
Do you “let
things slide”, thinking that a problem will go
away by “waiting it out”? |
| • |
Are you resentful
of family members? |
How Can A Counselor
Help?
A counselor can
help people define their problems and put them into proper
perspective.
A counselor can
help family members work through their problems. Counselors
sometimes work as mediators as both sides discuss their issues. At other times
counselors work one-on-one with clients.
A counselor can
help teach effective communication skills. Family members can
learn to honestly express their feelings. They can learn to argue fairly and
to work
together to solve problems.
Domestic Violence
Domestic Violence
Facts
Approximately 95%
or the victims of domestic violence are women. In the United
States, a woman is more likely to be assaulted, injured, raped, or killed by
a male
partner than any other type of assailant. An estimated 3 to 4 million American
women
are battered each year by partners. Research suggests that wife beating results
in
more injuries that require medical treatment than rape, auto accidents, and
muggings
combined. Domestic violence occurs among all races and socioeconomic groups.
What Is Battering?
Battering is not
an event, it’s a lifestyle. This includes any behaviors,
statements, gestures, activities, thoughts, feelings, or intentions that batterers
use to
exert coercive power and control over their partners. The main tactics of control
are:
| • |
using
physical abuse |
| • |
using sexual
abuse |
| • |
using the children
(or others) |
| • |
using intimidation |
| • |
using isolation |
| • |
using threats |
| • |
using economic
abuse |
| • |
using male privilege |
| • |
using denial,
blaming, and minimizing |
| • |
using emotional
abuse |
Am I In A Battering
Relationship?
You may be battered
if you:
| • |
are
frightened of your partner’s temper and change you behavior
so as not to make him angry. |
| • |
have seen your
family and friends less since you met your partner. |
| • |
have to ask
permission to go out, spend money, take classes. |
| • |
express your
opinions and needs less and less. |
| • |
are afraid that
your partner will kill himself of you if you left. |
| • |
believe that
it doesn’t matter how your partner treats you as long as
the kids are okay. |
| • |
do what your
partner says in order to avoid trouble. |
| • |
have been forced
to have sex against your will. |
| • |
have been hit,
choked, locked up, slapped, shoved, bitten, threatened, tied up,
or burned. |
You may be a batterer if you:
| • |
are
extremely jealous, and constantly suspect your partner of affairs. |
| • |
are afraid of
losing control and want a daily accounting of your partner’s
time, phone calls, social encounters, etc. |
| • |
are very insecure
and act tough to conceal it. |
| • |
feel as if men
should wear the pants in the family and women should do as told. |
| • |
go through extreme
highs and lows. |
| • |
have an explosive
temper. |
| • |
have broken
things or thrown things when you’re angry. |
| • |
have hurt or
killed a pet to get back at your partner. |
| • |
have threatened,
intimidated, or harassed your partner. |
| • |
have hit, slapped,
shoved, kicked, punched, burned, bitten, or otherwise physically
attacked your partner. |
Excuses, Excuses
| • |
Her
family (or work) interferes with our lives |
| • |
She’s
unfaithful to me. She’s not pregnant with my baby anyway. |
| • |
The children
won’t behave. The kids won’t shut up. |
| • |
She can’t
handle money. She can’t do anything right. |
| • |
She came home
late. She was in my face. She didn’t get out of my
way. |
| • |
I was drunk.
I was high. It was the drugs/alcohol. It wasn’t me. |
| • |
She hit me first.
She provoked me. |
| • |
I had to do
it. I was out of control. I just couldn’t stop myself. |
| • |
That’s
the way it was when I was a kid. |
| • |
I had a bad
day at work. I’m under a lot of stress. |
| • |
I’m a
very jealous guy. |
The only reason
is that men choose to batter because they want to have power
over and control their partners.
Long-lasting Effects
On Children
The March of Dimes
concluded that battering pregnant women during pregnancy
causes more birth defects than all the diseases put together for which children
are
immunized. Nearly half of the men who abuse their female partners also abuse
their
children. The range of problems among children who witness parental violence
includes psychosomatic disorders - stuttering, anxiety, fear, sleep disruption,
and
school problems. Studies have shown that ongoing marital violence in childhood
was
an indicator of serious adult crimes - assault, rape, murder, and kidnapping.
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